hey, here's something funny. it's a draft of an entry from over two years ago that i never posted. i don't remember why, maybe i thought it seemed braggy to talk about how guys are creepy to me. well, it's not, they just are, and i'm not the only one. or maybe because it seemed a bit betchy or perhaps small-minded. i can say with confidence that i am neither of these things. besides, i didn't start it! creepy bar dudes forced my hand.
man, i miss my hair. sometimes. not when i look around and every single female has long hair.
aaaand here we go!
as a girl that has become increasingly "hit on" (for reasons i cannot fully explain), i feel that i am in a position to make a statement on the ins and outs of the process of the hitting-on. i am not being vain here, i don't know what's going on - i think that the shift has likely resulted from my attitude changing from "please like me" to "i don't need you, leave me alone". it's a mid to late 20's thing. i just don't care anymore. this vibe makes me a desirable target for guys because it presents a challenge (i assume), which guys love (apparently).
i am here to help. help me help you. i have compiled a list (based on unpleasant personal experiences) of things that you should not do if you want to impress a lady.
overall rule: DON'T BE CREEPY. i know this is vague, but it is of utmost importance, and all of the following sub-rules should clear it up.
rule #1: don't touch me
unless i have made eye contact with you, and we are talking, and you get the DISTINCT impression that i want to be in physical contact with you (you would know, trust me), then keep your hands to yourself. i mean it. don't come out of nowhere and put your arm around me, don't take my hand, don't touch my hair, and most importantly, don't grab/touch/"accidentally" graze my butt. you would be surprised how many times this has happened. it immediately makes me feel unsafe and nervous. plus, i don't know where you've been. get your cooties off me. i don't want to have to dry clean this shirt because some stranger laid his sweaty pit on it while putting his arm around me. seriously, this is the biggest turn off. be respectful. treat girls like the ladies they are, until they let you know it's ok to move forward. YOU know what i mean. you never know what kind of experiences a person has had. if you're lucky you won't get a punch in the face, but you can be sure you ain't getting none of this.
rule #2: do your own dirty work
don't get your drunk friend to come over to see if they can introduce me to you. this is bad for two reasons. one, it makes you look like a coward (or like there is something wrong with you), and two, it makes me wonder if your friend is just putting you up to it. making a girl try to figure out if she's the butt of a joke is not a good way to win her over.
rule #3: no spectacles please
if you have actually fallen in love with a girl on the spot, do not tell the whole bar. don't yell about how beautiful she is (thanks though), don't get your friends involved in your monologue about how well she's put together (thanks though), don't make a scene of dramatically asking if you can sit next to her in front of all her friends. think about it. does a girl really want the whole bar to know that she is going to hook up with you? be subtle. it should be between the two of you, not everyone who happens to be at the establishment.
rule #4: don't ask me what my tattoo "means"
when guys do this, it actually turns my stomach and they instantly become the least attractive person in the room. first of all, it's none of your goddamn business, i don't know you. secondly, stop it. in fact, don't comment on it at all. if you are cool, which i assume you want to at least appear to be, then it should not be a big deal. it is not a topic of conversation. it "means" i have a tattoo. especially don't say "what's that a key for, is it a key to my heart?" because you will likely get a sarcastic answer such as "actually it's the key with which i am currently locking up my chastity belt" and i will be imagining crushing you with my heel while i deliver it.
rule #5: know when to back down
sometimes "it" is just not there, and you will be given the impression that a girl is not interested. pursuing a girl beyond this point is a major contributor to creepy-dom. you will know if your attempt is working by the look on a girls face within 5 seconds. if i tell you i'm not interested, if i tell you i have a boyfriend, if i say that i'm actually just in the middle of a conversation with my friends, then be classy, and beat it. don't say "well where's your boyfriend, makin' lasagna or something?" (actual quote) don't say "come on, i was just trying to be nice" (actual quote x500). if you were trying to be nice then i would not have said whatever it was that lead you to say that. you were not trying to be nice, you were trying to get laid, and now that you know you're not going to (by me, anyway) you want to make it seem like it's because there is something wrong with my response, even though it was YOU that didn't follow the most basic rules of not being creepy. if you are there on behalf of your friend (ugh, see rule #2) don't say "what if i were to tell you he has a giant.....heart". this is particularly gross because now you are making me think about YOU thinking about your friend's private parts. don't do that.
there are more rules, but they are too specific to categorize, such as: don't wear leather pants, don't wear shirts with stupid slogans (particularly sexist ones), don't be really really drunk with beer breath, don't have long nails or B.O., don't spill your drink on me, don't be a close-talker, don't brag about how you're the owner of the bar's ATM etc. etc.
man, i miss my hair. sometimes. not when i look around and every single female has long hair.
aaaand here we go!
as a girl that has become increasingly "hit on" (for reasons i cannot fully explain), i feel that i am in a position to make a statement on the ins and outs of the process of the hitting-on. i am not being vain here, i don't know what's going on - i think that the shift has likely resulted from my attitude changing from "please like me" to "i don't need you, leave me alone". it's a mid to late 20's thing. i just don't care anymore. this vibe makes me a desirable target for guys because it presents a challenge (i assume), which guys love (apparently).
i am here to help. help me help you. i have compiled a list (based on unpleasant personal experiences) of things that you should not do if you want to impress a lady.
overall rule: DON'T BE CREEPY. i know this is vague, but it is of utmost importance, and all of the following sub-rules should clear it up.
rule #1: don't touch me
unless i have made eye contact with you, and we are talking, and you get the DISTINCT impression that i want to be in physical contact with you (you would know, trust me), then keep your hands to yourself. i mean it. don't come out of nowhere and put your arm around me, don't take my hand, don't touch my hair, and most importantly, don't grab/touch/"accidentally" graze my butt. you would be surprised how many times this has happened. it immediately makes me feel unsafe and nervous. plus, i don't know where you've been. get your cooties off me. i don't want to have to dry clean this shirt because some stranger laid his sweaty pit on it while putting his arm around me. seriously, this is the biggest turn off. be respectful. treat girls like the ladies they are, until they let you know it's ok to move forward. YOU know what i mean. you never know what kind of experiences a person has had. if you're lucky you won't get a punch in the face, but you can be sure you ain't getting none of this.
rule #2: do your own dirty work
don't get your drunk friend to come over to see if they can introduce me to you. this is bad for two reasons. one, it makes you look like a coward (or like there is something wrong with you), and two, it makes me wonder if your friend is just putting you up to it. making a girl try to figure out if she's the butt of a joke is not a good way to win her over.
rule #3: no spectacles please
if you have actually fallen in love with a girl on the spot, do not tell the whole bar. don't yell about how beautiful she is (thanks though), don't get your friends involved in your monologue about how well she's put together (thanks though), don't make a scene of dramatically asking if you can sit next to her in front of all her friends. think about it. does a girl really want the whole bar to know that she is going to hook up with you? be subtle. it should be between the two of you, not everyone who happens to be at the establishment.
rule #4: don't ask me what my tattoo "means"
when guys do this, it actually turns my stomach and they instantly become the least attractive person in the room. first of all, it's none of your goddamn business, i don't know you. secondly, stop it. in fact, don't comment on it at all. if you are cool, which i assume you want to at least appear to be, then it should not be a big deal. it is not a topic of conversation. it "means" i have a tattoo. especially don't say "what's that a key for, is it a key to my heart?" because you will likely get a sarcastic answer such as "actually it's the key with which i am currently locking up my chastity belt" and i will be imagining crushing you with my heel while i deliver it.
rule #5: know when to back down
sometimes "it" is just not there, and you will be given the impression that a girl is not interested. pursuing a girl beyond this point is a major contributor to creepy-dom. you will know if your attempt is working by the look on a girls face within 5 seconds. if i tell you i'm not interested, if i tell you i have a boyfriend, if i say that i'm actually just in the middle of a conversation with my friends, then be classy, and beat it. don't say "well where's your boyfriend, makin' lasagna or something?" (actual quote) don't say "come on, i was just trying to be nice" (actual quote x500). if you were trying to be nice then i would not have said whatever it was that lead you to say that. you were not trying to be nice, you were trying to get laid, and now that you know you're not going to (by me, anyway) you want to make it seem like it's because there is something wrong with my response, even though it was YOU that didn't follow the most basic rules of not being creepy. if you are there on behalf of your friend (ugh, see rule #2) don't say "what if i were to tell you he has a giant.....heart". this is particularly gross because now you are making me think about YOU thinking about your friend's private parts. don't do that.
there are more rules, but they are too specific to categorize, such as: don't wear leather pants, don't wear shirts with stupid slogans (particularly sexist ones), don't be really really drunk with beer breath, don't have long nails or B.O., don't spill your drink on me, don't be a close-talker, don't brag about how you're the owner of the bar's ATM etc. etc.
ok hopefully you have learned a little about how not to be creepy through my many experiences with creepy guys. you're welcome!
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